A Day Of Infamy In Kindergarten

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... but I will. I thought it might be good to enlighten you about my childhood so you understand a little more about the title of this blog and how it shaped or warped my mind as some might claim. You see, I have been tainted since early childhood. I know the common phrase in vogue right now is that my parents screwed me up... but that is not the case at all. It was actually the education establishment... which was linked to the military industrial complex at the time. No - I just threw that in as a conspiracy theorist. No - the education establishment is linked to union labor and organized crime. Really.

It all stems back to one of my first "tests" in kindergarten. I still remember the question and since that time, I have held a general disregard for those that can't see both sides of the argument. Yeah... kinda deep for a 5 year old, but you'll understand in a moment.

Back in my day (wow that sounds old), but we learned to read from the ever-present Dick and Jane books. They had several levels from kindergarten to third grade... and then you graduated from school in Iowa. The part everyone remembers and can recite from memory (the early stages of fake reading), were "See Dick run. See Jane run. See Dick and Jane run." You get the picture... so to speak.

Then there was Sally, the one in the middle. She was my favorite and I had a crush on her... until that dreadful day. The day of the "test" (and it probably wasn't much of a test, but it seemed like the first in a series of ridiculous milestone moments of higher learning) and it offered a seemingly easy series of multiple choice answers. Since no one in kindergarten could read (that I was aware of) the teacher asked us to circle the correct answer which was presented in a picture format after she read the question to all of my esteemed colleagues.

The questions were all pretty straightforward - all five of them and I aced it... scholarship on the way... Stanford, Princeton, Yale, probably even MIT if I continued the trend. Hell, probably all four of them with multiple PhD's. Then the next day the answers were provided and there was a huge red check mark on Sally. I missed the question of my favorite character... that little heart breaker... the first of many might I add... mistakes and girlfriends.

The question was really straightforward with Sally standing facing away from the page and both her arms raised with 90 degree elbow bends pointing up. The student (meaning me) had to select from the pictures of what Sally's face should look like. The multiple choice answers were: Happy Face, Sad Face, or Surprised Face. It was all pretty simple on the surface.

Yes and the obvious answer was... Sad Face. Yes, yes, yes. Now I know that most of you would have selected the Surprised Face, but that was not correct answer based on my reasonable knowledge of human behavior and wealth of five years of experience growing up. And like you, the teacher and the author of this dumb book also selected Surprised Face as the correct answer to force upon unsuspecting and easily molded minds of mush. Now I know it doesn't seem like a big deal right now... but this stupid question has bugged me for many, many years. My shrink... aka my wife, tells me, "oh just get over it." But hell no. I'm not letting it go. I'm not letting this military industrial complex (right - not them this time)... I mean those union thugs... they can't get in my way... and in kindergarten I did just that. I stood up for what I believed. Well actually, I was really timid and just thought WTF... those idiots don't know how to write a test.

You see, the part no one knows is that during the morning of the test, I was confronted with exactly this same situation and hence my answer of a Sad Face makes all the sense in the world. And to remind everyone, it is just a matter of perspective... a perspective that the teacher and the author never saw. Well, as it happened that very morning, I must have done something really stupid and my dear mother had had enough. She threw her arms up in the air (just like Sally) and proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs, "OH SHIT JIMMY!" and then she turned around to face me and give me "the look" the one which is forever burned into the back of my eyeballs.

You see, as I commented above, there are two sides to every situation. I stand by my answer of a sad face. I would have selected "Angry Face" but "Sad Face" was a close as it came. That moment tainted my academic career and all hope of an Ivy League education was lost forever. You see there really is a conspiracy of organized crime keeping me from a solid education and dreams of a really good job. Sally, Sally, Sally... it was a tough way to start an education with you. It almost forced me to join the union and become a teacher with a life of crime taking money like that... but alas I wasn't good enough. I couldn't even answer that one stupid question... so I had to pursue another line of work to support my life style.

I think I'll write children's books in the future.