Jimmy's Black Friday Fiasco

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  Jimmy swore off participating in Black Friday sales years ago, but I must have forgotten and somehow my wife talked me into doing the Thanksgiving Day blitz in her stead.  She had to work and since sleeping was my only excuse... weak as it was, I was elected to go.

The task assigned to me was simple - get to The Home Depot before the doors opened at 5am, pick up an artificial Christmas tree, return home and go back to bed - simple enough.  My wife circled the item in the flyer and specifically pointed out the $49 pre-lit Christmas tree.  That was the intended target - simple enough - piece of cake - can a corn.

I strategized that since only men would probably go to The Home Depot and very few of them would ever wait in line in the middle of the night (especially for a Christmas tree), my chances would be pretty good if I just got there 5 to 10 minutes before opening.  Therefore I decided to "sleep in" until 4:30am, and still get a good place in line.

When I arrived at my pre-calculated time, I was somewhat surprised to see 100+ individuals in a long line stretching down the sidewalk.  For crying out loud... this is only The Home Depot store.  Who in their right mind would be standing in line to get tools and stuff?  Yes... women.  Apparently this artificial Christmas tree was a high demand item so this was going to be a bit tricky to maneuver around highly trained shoppers that they were.

At precisely 5am, the store opened and the orderly queue filed in as many shoppers dispersed through the store.  From behind 20-30 people I could see people making a mad dash picking up long boxes I could only assumed where my intended target - the $49 pre-lit Christmas trees.  But the crowd in front of me stopped and no one could move.  I continued to see the stack dwindle right before my eyes so I had to make a drastic decision.  The only other guy in the store, stood right in front blocking my path.  He was pushing a huge flat top carrier and he couldn't move from the mass of bodies starting to backup in the aisle.  I asked him if his wife also forced him to pick up a Christmas tree and he said no... he was headed in different direction and unfortunately could not get though... so I climbed over him and walked across his cart... all with the most brotherly love possible... after all this was Christmas.  Sorry bro.

I could not have waited any longer as I arrived just in time to proudly grab the last box and fend off the multitude of ladies I had just thrown to the side.  I had my trophy and it still displayed the $49 sign on it as proof of my superb hunting skills.  I walked up the counter and quickly paid.  Total time elapsed in the store - less than 5 minutes.

As I was walking back to my vehicle, it dawned on me... she said "pre-lit" and the other phrase I remembered from the night before... "don't get the pre-decorated one." I think the other part she said was, "LET ME REPEAT... DON'T GET THE PRE-DECORATED ONE."  Uh oh... 50/50 odds now.

Since it was still dark outside, I had to wait until I loaded the vehicle and then I turned on the lights.  At this moment, Jimmy had a choice:  Return the item or go home.  Since I didn't want to set an embarrassing world record for the earliest retuned item ever - 7 minutes after the official start - I decided to head home and insist that she said she wanted the "PRE-DECORATED."   Better luck next year hon.

Jimmy Receives Email on TSA

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  Wow Big Brother is watching Jimmy.  Not sure if one of my regular FB readers turned me in or not, but Jimmy received a ominous email regarding the TSA.

Not sure if you have been following my latest exploits about the TSA, but I need to stash away a few more copies of Catcher in the Rye.

Delta, my regular airline carrier, sent me an opportunity in the email that I could not pass up... so to speak.

It looks like I can opt in for some special treatment from my favorite folks down at the TSA.





"SEE WHAT OTHER TRAVELER ARE SAYING ABOUT TSA'S NEW EXPEDITED SCREENING PROGRAM."  Not sure I want to get expedited to the front of that line again.

Down here at the bottom, it asks me if I have any friends of family who aren't in the screening program and might like to participate.  As a favor to all my FB friends, I have sent your emails to the TSA so you can enjoy the same expedited system I get.  Congratulations.  Christmas came early to all my friends!

Jimmy's TSA Refrain (with apologies...)

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  Jimmy has a final word about the TSA.  I had to steal this from the iowahawk blog.  He decided to rewrite the lyrics to several John Lennon songs.  The following appropriately titled  "I'm Back in the USSR" goes like this:










For all the other songs go to:
http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2011/06/john-lennon.html

Delta to Miami Beach flight 803
Man I really hate to fly
At the gate his hands were on my knee
And the they clambered up my thigh

I'm back at the TSA
It wasn't always this way, boy
I'm back at the TS, back at the TS
Back at the TSA

Those O'Hare boys really feel me out
In front and from behind
At LAX they make me scream and shout
And ATL in Georgia loves to give an extra little bump and grind

Take me through your scanners with your paddle wand
Take an x-ray of my tool
Squeeze my nuts and call the dogs to sniff for bombs
Napolitano says it's cool 

I'm back at the TSA
I hope this dude isn't gay
I'm back at the TS, back at the TS
Back at the TSA

Jimmy Meets the TSA

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  If you haven't noticed, Jimmy has been laying low after some recent travel.  Some might suspect it's a government imposed super secret restriction.  It all started when I was on a recent trip through Cleveland and had a small run-in with the TSA(ut) - Transportation Security Administration (union thugs) that is.

Jimmy was running late, yet privilege has it perks... or so I thought.  My Sky Priority allowed me to take the express lane right to the front (all to the aggravation of the less fortunates stiffs that were being treated more like cattle waiting to get branded in the narrow lane stalls).  Immediately the TSA agent motioned me over to review my documents.  So far so good... they even opened up a new line to run me through the metal detectors and I was going to make it through in world record time.  Well, just as I pulled my laptop out of its bag, another man jumped right in front of me and proceeded to do the drill - the drill I had just completed with liquids, belts, shoes, hats, coats, laptops, billfolds, keys, coins, etc.  I could have walked around him, but I had my four separate plastic bins to carry around him and only two hands, therefore I concluded that I had gained enough valuable time, I could spare a bit... be generous - let the other man go first.

After a short delay, he went through the metal detector successfully and as Jimmy was starting to walk through the same machine, they roped it off and motioned me to go through the new fangled full body scanner.  Now I have done that drill several times and never knew what all the fuss was about... until now.

I barely got settled with my feet on the yellow fake footprints and my hands above my head like I just held up the 5&Dime when the TSA(ut) lady turned it on.  She couldn't decide whether to let me out or rerun the scan, but decided it was "OK," as she stated.  However the rather large looking goon at the end of the line seemed to disagree and they started haggling over the results of the scan.  She said, it was OK, but he wanted to implement DEFCON 4, the next level of protocol.

The intimidating figure blocked my path and asked me to wait while he called over his supervisor, an equally sized LG (large goon) who then asked me to step over to his "office."  As the first agent blocked the door (assuming I was going to make a break for it), the supervisor explained, "This is how it's going to work," and he snapped the latex gloves in the exact manner that my proctologist does.

"I'm going to use my open hands everywhere, all the way up both your legs - to the very top.  I will reach completely inside your trousers - all the way around and when I check your "sensitive" area, I will use the back of my hands across your front and across your buttocks.  Any questions before I start?"

At this point, I started to get worried.  "What exactly IS the problem officer?"

The LG supervisor then stated in vague technical terms, "We have an anomaly in your groin that we need to check."

I quickly replied, "Well I'm sure it's a very LARGE anomaly you found."

Sure enough, he checked just like he stated and then said he had to run the gloves through the chemical analyzer looking for bomb residue.  Afterwards, he came back and said all was fine but he needed my boarding pass to write down my name and flight I was taking.

I handed him my info, along with my HMO card and a co-pay and asked him if I was good for another ten years.

Gotta love the government's new streamlined efficiency - Obama Care at it's finest.  He did say that I should get that hemorrhoid checked out.



  

Jimmy's Fantasy - Kiss

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.   Jimmy does crazy things while driving.  I'll give an example:

I've got my iPod blaring a song in the car.  The song just happened to be Prince - Kiss.  No sooner than we get to one part in the song... you can probably guess, but I am stopped at a traffic light and I'm singing away.  Luckily the car windows are up.

Just as I turned to check the traffic, I'm still singing and I look directly at another man in the car next to me as I clearly and enthusiastically enunciate the words, "I want to be your fantasy."

He smiled... I turned away and the light changed.

Fortunately I did not wait to see if he returned the next line, "Baby... U can be mine."

My Photo Book Jul 31 2011

Click here to view this photo book larger

Jimmy Sees the Joplin Miracle

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... but I will.  Shortly after the tornado that ravaged Joplin hit, Jimmy drove through the town to see the damage for himself.  My car load of four was pretty somber as we came across a wide open spot in the middle of town that was a completely annihilated.


The swath had to be over a mile wide and stretched for what appeared to be another three more.  Nothing was left standing except for a few brick homes, some large trees (no bark with only the largest branches left) and the hospital.

It's hard to say the hospital at the top of the hill was left standing because it looked like a bomb had gone off next to it with all the windows blown out.  Entire blocks all around the hospital were completely leveled.  How anybody survived is a miracle.

The next day, we drove back by the city and stopped for dinner just north along the interstate.  We had heard of some of the strange sights where blades of grass were driven into tires and I am sure everyone has seen pictures of the splintered 2x4 which was impaled through a blacktop curb... but the waitress provided a few personal touches.

She said it was hard to talk about it since she lived in Joplin and knew so many people that were hit.  But luckily, that day she had been working north of town when the tornado struck.  She said, "You can't imagine the number of people that I've talked to and others I've heard from that all said, 'the only part of the house that was left standing was where I happened to be.'"

Of the 8000 homes that were demolished that day, only 160 lives were lost.  And when I say demolished... literally there was nothing left.  That was a miracle in itself that more people did not perish.

However, the waitress wanted to relay another story she had heard floating around town about a mother and her young daughter that were trapped inside their home.  After the tornado passed, they crawled out of the fallen structure and the mother could only see the total devastation for blocks around.  Then she looked at her daughter who could only say, "Wasn't that beautiful mommy?"

What?  The mother again looking at the demolished rubble for as far as she could see wondering what her daughter found so beautiful about the disaster other than the fact that they were both still alive.

The little girl finished by saying what she had witnessed, "When the tornado went through, wasn't that beautiful watching all the angels circling around us - protecting us?"