Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will. If you haven't noticed, Jimmy has been laying low after some recent travel. Some might suspect it's a government imposed super secret restriction. It all started when I was on a recent trip through Cleveland and had a small run-in with the TSA(ut) - Transportation Security Administration (union thugs) that is.
Jimmy was running late, yet privilege has it perks... or so I thought. My Sky Priority allowed me to take the express lane right to the front (all to the aggravation of the less fortunates stiffs that were being treated more like cattle waiting to get branded in the narrow lane stalls). Immediately the TSA agent motioned me over to review my documents. So far so good... they even opened up a new line to run me through the metal detectors and I was going to make it through in world record time. Well, just as I pulled my laptop out of its bag, another man jumped right in front of me and proceeded to do the drill - the drill I had just completed with liquids, belts, shoes, hats, coats, laptops, billfolds, keys, coins, etc. I could have walked around him, but I had my four separate plastic bins to carry around him and only two hands, therefore I concluded that I had gained enough valuable time, I could spare a bit... be generous - let the other man go first.
After a short delay, he went through the metal detector successfully and as Jimmy was starting to walk through the same machine, they roped it off and motioned me to go through the new fangled full body scanner. Now I have done that drill several times and never knew what all the fuss was about... until now.
I barely got settled with my feet on the yellow fake footprints and my hands above my head like I just held up the 5&Dime when the TSA(ut) lady turned it on. She couldn't decide whether to let me out or rerun the scan, but decided it was "OK," as she stated. However the rather large looking goon at the end of the line seemed to disagree and they started haggling over the results of the scan. She said, it was OK, but he wanted to implement DEFCON 4, the next level of protocol.
The intimidating figure blocked my path and asked me to wait while he called over his supervisor, an equally sized LG (large goon) who then asked me to step over to his "office." As the first agent blocked the door (assuming I was going to make a break for it), the supervisor explained, "This is how it's going to work," and he snapped the latex gloves in the exact manner that my proctologist does.
"I'm going to use my open hands everywhere, all the way up both your legs - to the very top. I will reach completely inside your trousers - all the way around and when I check your "sensitive" area, I will use the back of my hands across your front and across your buttocks. Any questions before I start?"
At this point, I started to get worried. "What exactly IS the problem officer?"
The LG supervisor then stated in vague technical terms, "We have an anomaly in your groin that we need to check."
I quickly replied, "Well I'm sure it's a very LARGE anomaly you found."
Sure enough, he checked just like he stated and then said he had to run the gloves through the chemical analyzer looking for bomb residue. Afterwards, he came back and said all was fine but he needed my boarding pass to write down my name and flight I was taking.
I handed him my info, along with my HMO card and a co-pay and asked him if I was good for another ten years.
Gotta love the government's new streamlined efficiency - Obama Care at it's finest. He did say that I should get that hemorrhoid checked out.
Not sure if you have been following my latest exploits about the TSA, but I need to stash away a few more copies of Catcher in the Rye. 
