Whoa… For A Second, Jimmy Thought…

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will. Between my junior and senior year, my brother and I decided to spend the day at the amusement park (Valleyfair) with a group of our baseball buddies. During the day, my brother and I hooked up with a couple of hot girls (truthfully - it was a very warm day) and we went on a few rides with them. Everything was going very well and the girls wanted to go for a final spin on the Enterprise before spending a little casual time with us. At this point, the Enterprise was one of the most extreme rides in the park where the four person containment compartment moved in a circle until it gained enough speed and then the entire ride turned ninety degrees so that it looped like a Ferris Wheel. Only the riders were upside down for a good portion of it.

Like I said, everything was going well… very well. After we finished the ride, the four of us were standing in a circle deciding where we could hang out when my brother abruptly stopped talking and put his hand over his mouth. He paused for a second and then he announced for all to hear, “Whoa.” And as he tapped his chest he added, “That was close. For a second, I almost thought I was going to…” And before he could finish the sentence, he threw-up in the middle of the circle.

Instinctively both girls kicked their legs back to avoid the splash, but the angular velocity of the projectiles were a bit too much as they ricocheted onto their sandals and bare legs.


Not sure what happened next, but the girls mentioned they needed to go to the bathroom to clean up and needless to say, they didn’t come back. Way to go bro! Whoa, for a second, I almost thought we were going to get…

Jimmy Wants A Vanity License Plate

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will. It seems like too many people have the urge to express themselves everywhere - including on cars. I don’t particularly care for bumper stickers… but that is just me and everyone has First Amendment rights. For me, they are too small to read, generally not in tune with my political beliefs and most look like they are the only valuable part still on the car – which might be the only thing holding the bumper on and hence the name. (Which gets me thinking that the Cash 4 Clunkers program was generally a good thing since it got many Obama bumper stickers off the road – either that or they had a change of heart. Maybe that was what all the Change hype was about). But me… I prefer the more subtle message - A Vanity Plate.




Jimmy has thought long and hard about this. Unfortunately I’m not sure anyone would get it so I need your opinion. What about this:

If you don't get it, read a little lower on the page and I will tell you what it is.





















When I come up from behind and you look in the rear view mirror what does it say?

The Answer: MOVE IT

Jimmy’s Fourth Rule for International Travel

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.  Sorry for the long time between blogs, but I have been traveling… I mean working.  I know the blog should come first, but Jimmy has to eat (bad choice of analogies here as you will read later).  However, the job does give me plenty of material to write about.  A few blogs ago I had “Three Rules for International Travel.”  See:  http://meknowsbetter.blogspot.com/2010/03/three-rules-for-international-travelers.html

Well today, I must amend this to a fourth one:  Eat First, Ask Questions Later.

The fourth rule must be strictly adhered to in Asia… particularly in China.  Jimmy really likes Chinese food (Americanized Chinese food that is as I have come to realize there is a distinct difference).  On a recent travel to Guangzhou, I was treated to a special dinner where the patrons select live food from tanks and it is prepared right away.  I have now come to appreciate mammals which walk on four legs and are found prepackaged at Cub Foods.   

Jimmy has also learned to eat more vegetables since at least those are recognizable food forms.  Not sure I have, or will ever acquire the taste yet for alligator, water beetles, sea urchins, snakes, or geoduck glams (whatever the heck those are, but they sure are ugly even when alive).

Remember besides:

1.      Any sleep is good sleep.  

2.      Whenever food is placed in front of you, it must be time to eat.  

3.      Start each and every day with a healthy breakfast because the day can only get better after eating that crap.

And now the latest rule:

            4.  Eat first, ask questions later.

Jimmy Knows Burritos

Me Knows Better Than To Say This... But I Will.  Personally, any eating establishment which refers to food returning back to it's original location (360 degrees) is not a place I want to eat... especially burritos if you get my drift.  I mean... just refer to my plast blogs on ths subject (around September).  See Airline Cuisine to Mumbai if you are not familar.  http://meknowsbetter.blogspot.com/2009/09/airline-cuisine-to-mumbai.html

That blog is of my personal favorites, but not for the squeamish.  So be warned.

But I like the added touch of "Gourmet" not like I have ever linked that word with burritos.

Jimmy Turns Hawaiian… The Big 5-O.

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will. I decided to make this a quick blog and tout all the good things about turning 50 years old.

   1.  ??????

   2.  ??????

   3.  (Are there really any?)

I struggled with this concept until I arrived home to find my AARP membership application prominently displayed. My wife was responsible for this small act of supposed humor, but it did get me going with some brainstorming possibilities. So here is a list in Letterman’s Top 10 format.








Reasons Why Jimmy Should Embrace Turning 50 Years Old:

   10. Full fledge membership advantages with the AARP card are now possible.

   9. The excitement of receiving a lovely letter from my employer mentioning I am eligible for the “Executive Medical Examination Program.” (True email… I wonder what they want to check).

   8. A built in excuse for not remembering important appointments mentioned by my wife.

   7. If I hear something I don’t want to do, I can always claim hearing loss.

   6. When my daughter mentions something about the Old Man… I know it’s not the Hemingway novel.

   5. The gray hair looks better on a 50 year old rather than a 49 year old.

   4. I am now considered a shovel ready project under Obamacare.

   3. No need to explain eating supper at 4:30 in the afternoon.

   2. Discounted green fees at selected courses.

   And finally the number one reason to embrace turning 50…
   I can now play golf from the senior tees.

Jimmy Needs Glasses

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.  Yup… it’s that time.  The ole eyesight is just not there anymore.  Of course it has been a gradual disintegration starting back a few years.

The first indication occurred while we were on vacation in Hawaii and my wife was looking for a particular store without really knowing the name (that’s how we shop)… so as a dutiful husband, I tried to help the situation by pronouncing the stores that appeared on my side of the road hoping the correct one would come along so we could get back to the fun stuff.  Off in the distance was a store I could barely make out… I started slowing reading it as it came into better focus, “Boogie…” the words faded and I then I saw more, “Boogie Boards…,” I added still unable to see it all.   I strained again, “Boogie Boards and… Miscellaneous.”  That was it… I could see the entire sign.

My wife questioned what she heard as it sounded a bit ridiculous to her, “What?” 

But the store name was well within the realm of possibilities since this was after all Hawaii. 

“Boogie Boards and Miscellaneous,” I repeated matter-of-factly and positive in the possibilities that we would not venture into that shopping establishment.

“Where do you see that store?” my wife questioned… disbelieving a fact uttered from my lips.

I pointed it out almost to the point of indignation, “That building over to the left that says Boogie Boards and Misc. in big red letters.  Can't you see it?”

Then my gracious wife mentioned, “You mean… Borders Books and Music?”

“Yeah – that’s what I said,” and I continued driving past the big sign written as an obvious optical illusion.

Jimmy Has Been Duped

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.  A while ago I noticed a small lump or growth in the palm of my hand.  As a man, my first reaction was to ignore this obvious sign of trouble and insist to myself that it would “eventually go away.”  A few months pass and my healthcare wife noticed it and suggested that I have a specialist take a look.  My response, “Don’t worry honey, it will eventually go away.” 

A few more months pass and a second lump has connected itself to the first and apparently it’s not going away.  Now Jimmy is a bit more concerned since whatever this growth is, may require surgery and if that happens, it might wipe out the golf season.  Since golf is apparently more important than good health, I make an appointment. 

Soon Jimmy is waiting for the doctor.  As he enters the room and before he has physically inspected the patient (me), he throws a pamphlet in my direction and confidently declares, “You have Dupuytren’s Syndrome.” 

Uh?  This sounds ominous and the casual abruptness of the physician isn’t making me feel any better.  He has already given up any hope for my chances… the callous bastard.

I pleaded, “Doc, before you give me the bad news, how ‘bout you first take a look to make sure the diagnosis is correct.”

 “Don’t worry, I see this all the time.  As a matter of fact, I was one day away from getting to do this same surgery on Ronald Reagan but he had it done the day before I arrived at Bethesda Naval Hospital.”

Jimmy was feeling a bit better about his chances and the expertise of the doctor.  If the President of the United States would trust this guy, I should too… but then again the President opted for a different surgeon moments before going under the knife.

“This is a hereditary contracture of the fingers where the growth overtakes the tendon and starts to curl your finger.  Chances are that your father has the same thing.  The only other characteristic I can tell you about this disease is that your ancestors came from Northern Europe and we don’t know what causes it.”

My suspicions of this quack mounted… hell he didn’t need to be a clairvoyant to predict my ancestry with my fair skin and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to say “we don’t know much about this.”  Thanks for the confidence boost doc and the reason we don’t need government in healthcare.

 He continued, “But it is relatively common and nothing to be concerned about.  Chances are you won’t require surgery unless it bothers you.  And even if you get surgery, it will probably grow back anyway.”

“Don’t worry doc, unless this disease screws up my golf game, you won’t see me again. Thanks,” and I left.

Shortly thereafter, Jimmy decided to call his dad.  He sounded a bit concerned when I mentioned that I had seen a specialist about a health issue.  When I told him about the growth on my hand, and before I could say anything else, he interrupted me.  “You mean a growth on your right hand under the ring finger?  I have that too.”   

“How long have you had it?” I asked.

“About thirty years.  I thought it would eventually go away.”

“Dad, let me save you two hundred bucks.  It doesn’t go away.”

“I know that.”

"Well that's good info to know... If you want to know...  it's called Dupuytren’s Syndrome... now send me two hundred bucks."

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