Jimmy Has Been Duped

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.  A while ago I noticed a small lump or growth in the palm of my hand.  As a man, my first reaction was to ignore this obvious sign of trouble and insist to myself that it would “eventually go away.”  A few months pass and my healthcare wife noticed it and suggested that I have a specialist take a look.  My response, “Don’t worry honey, it will eventually go away.” 

A few more months pass and a second lump has connected itself to the first and apparently it’s not going away.  Now Jimmy is a bit more concerned since whatever this growth is, may require surgery and if that happens, it might wipe out the golf season.  Since golf is apparently more important than good health, I make an appointment. 

Soon Jimmy is waiting for the doctor.  As he enters the room and before he has physically inspected the patient (me), he throws a pamphlet in my direction and confidently declares, “You have Dupuytren’s Syndrome.” 

Uh?  This sounds ominous and the casual abruptness of the physician isn’t making me feel any better.  He has already given up any hope for my chances… the callous bastard.

I pleaded, “Doc, before you give me the bad news, how ‘bout you first take a look to make sure the diagnosis is correct.”

 “Don’t worry, I see this all the time.  As a matter of fact, I was one day away from getting to do this same surgery on Ronald Reagan but he had it done the day before I arrived at Bethesda Naval Hospital.”

Jimmy was feeling a bit better about his chances and the expertise of the doctor.  If the President of the United States would trust this guy, I should too… but then again the President opted for a different surgeon moments before going under the knife.

“This is a hereditary contracture of the fingers where the growth overtakes the tendon and starts to curl your finger.  Chances are that your father has the same thing.  The only other characteristic I can tell you about this disease is that your ancestors came from Northern Europe and we don’t know what causes it.”

My suspicions of this quack mounted… hell he didn’t need to be a clairvoyant to predict my ancestry with my fair skin and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to say “we don’t know much about this.”  Thanks for the confidence boost doc and the reason we don’t need government in healthcare.

 He continued, “But it is relatively common and nothing to be concerned about.  Chances are you won’t require surgery unless it bothers you.  And even if you get surgery, it will probably grow back anyway.”

“Don’t worry doc, unless this disease screws up my golf game, you won’t see me again. Thanks,” and I left.

Shortly thereafter, Jimmy decided to call his dad.  He sounded a bit concerned when I mentioned that I had seen a specialist about a health issue.  When I told him about the growth on my hand, and before I could say anything else, he interrupted me.  “You mean a growth on your right hand under the ring finger?  I have that too.”   

“How long have you had it?” I asked.

“About thirty years.  I thought it would eventually go away.”

“Dad, let me save you two hundred bucks.  It doesn’t go away.”

“I know that.”

"Well that's good info to know... If you want to know...  it's called Dupuytren’s Syndrome... now send me two hundred bucks."

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