Jimmy's Sobering Look at Budgets - Part 1

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.   Not sure I want to disclose all my finances here, but Jimmy is in some deep, deep financial trouble.  Bottom line: My outflow of cash is a lot more than my inflow.  I know everyone has this problem… but not to this level I hope.   Solutions anyone?

It started in 2008 before the Great Recession hit.  Jimmy was making about $75k a year, and perhaps overspending a bit – like an extra $14k that year.  Hey… I was taking care of grandma and needed a home security system – tough neighborhood you know.  The banks were good and they let me borrow whenever I needed it.

By 2011, over spending had grown and Jimmy compounded it with an income drop to about $65k (tough economy out there).  It was all living expenses, but it still wasn’t enough.   Grandma was eating more than planned and then we brought in a couple of relatives from Canada to live rent free in the basement… and oh - the yearly home security fee was continuing – should’ve read the damn fine print on the contract). 

But even with those problems, Jimmy decided to go GREEN and add a solar panel system for the house thinking it would have a good return on investment.  I didn’t realize it would cost $15k by the time we got it installed and since this is northern Minnesota, it didn’t work that well and soon I had to scrap it out for pennies on the dollar.  Someone should’ve told me it was a bad investment, but it was a friend’s company and I owed him a favor… he helped me get my job down at the government center.  He said it was a good investment (for him apparently).

After that, I still had an itch to buy something else.  I was way over my limit, but what the hell.  I heard GM was desperate.  Why not buy that brand new Chevy Volt that I had been eyeing… great deal.  Got it for $35 grand – fully loaded.   Then the battery caught fire.  All that remained was a smoldering carcass of a car – but the UAW, the new owners of GM, wouldn’t return my money.

But the good news… the bank let me put the entire $50k for the car and solar panels on my American Express so I could defer the payments…  I didn’t have the money so what choice did they have.  They called me a “Preferred Customer.”

However, in order to help defray that extra $50k of spending in 2011, they asked me to start cutting some costs.  I took their advice and decided to skip my morning Starbucks run.  No more Grande Mocha Espresso at $4.50 a pop.  As a reward for my thrifty ways, I kept my afternoon Frappucino in the budget.  That Espresso alone saved me $1155 in 2011.  I tell ya, it’s a sacrifice every morning without that Espresso.  You try getting up at 8:30am every morning to get to work a little after 10 at the Department of Redundancy Department to hand out welfare checks and then rush off at 2:30pm to beat rush hour.

Oh, did I mention the extra $50k for the car and solar panels brought my American Express to a balance I owed to $428,130?  Wow… almost a cool half million dollars.  All I had to do was curtail my Starbucks habit and everybody was happy.  Then the bank sent me a new Platinum VISA, said I was a good customer during their tough times, and they upped my limit.  God bless the Fed.

OK – Jimmy is not that stupid.  If you couldn’t read between the lines, here is the secret:  Multiply the key numbers above by 33.3 million.  These are the actual numbers in the US Federal Budget for 2011 (and 2008).  Now I hope we can agree this is stupid.  So the question is, do we have a spending problem or a tax problem?  I think it’s time to investigate and then you can decide which it is.

See my next blog as I take a look at the data.  Curious to see what your opinion is... Not enough taxing or too much spending?  Careful what you write, I think the results will intrigue you.

For Part 2 -
http://meknowsbetter.blogspot.com/2012/10/jimmys-sobering-look-at-budgets-part-2_25.html

Jimmy, Timmy, and Joey's Epic Golf Adventure

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... but I will.  Jimmy has been incommunicado for a while to train for a golf triathlon.  I know... I know... Jimmy and any type of triathlon are unheard of, but this was a special case and something which needed to be done - perhaps bucket list worthy.  Unfortunately the rigors of this training prevented me from attending to serious blog writing over the last several months since the feat required immense fortitude - both mental and physical to accomplish.  Besides having luck, the forces of nature had to be calmed and a solid logistical network built which would support this endeavor.

The idea sprouted about a year ago, during a serious brainstorming session (ie beer drinking), when Timmy and Jimmy concocted a golf challenge that we believe to this day no one else has either attempted or accomplished... since it might be that difficult or perhaps that stupid.  We are not sure which but in any case... we brought this challenge to its knees!

The Challenge:  Can three people (Jimmy, Timmy, and Joey) play 3 rounds of golf, on 3 different courses, in 3 different states - all on the same day?


After much planning, we determined that if we scheduled this correctly, we would be able to play Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Iowa all in the same day - 54 holes in all.  We undertook this challenge seriously and knew we needed to be in prime golfing fitness to accomplish this goal.  Therefore, we trained for 2 hour drives in one sitting and making sure we barley loaded for 3 months leading up to the big day (we knew we could not run out of energy or the challenge was dead).  Additionally, for the last several weeks, Jimmy has been swinging a driver in warmups and making sure to clip 2 to 3 extra dandelions and at least hitting an old cigarette butt a couple more times on the practice tee to make sure he could endure the strain of all those extra swings.  


We could have increased the challenge by walking all 54 holes... but that would've been stupid.


Please see the documented video footage of our day:

Hope you enjoyed it.  

Next year - the quadratic power of 4.  Anyone stupid enough to join Jimmy, Timmy, and Joey for 4 states?

Three courses, three states all in one day - June 21, 2012

Troy Burne in Hudson, WI

Legends in Prior Lake, MN

Mason City Country Club in Mason City, IA

Jimmy's Pet Peeve #1

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  Jimmy has an issue with the way today's drive-thru workers return change.

Case in point - tonight... It was my turn to make supper.  So I make a quick pit stop at Wendy's before heading over to DQ for desert.  I don't even mind when I confuse the cashier with the complex math skills of handing him $20.10 for a $10.02 item (so I don't get all those coins in 98 cents of pennies and nickels) and he has all sorts of mental gyrations to figure out that he needs to give me back $10.08 in change.  That doesn't bother me at all.  I need a super computer at this age to run that sort of equation and hey, the kid never had to mentally subtract without the aid of calculator... I understand.  It is after all college level calculus we're talking about.

No - my pet peeve is the the way the change comes back.  In order to get my change (and the reason I don't want all those coins) I have to do the gymnastic routine of stretching my hand out my door with my foot on the brake after I pulled up too far from the window.  Then he decides to hand me a Jenga stack of money - served on a tray made from a paper receipt.

What the...   I swear these guys get a cut of the cash on the curb at the end of the night.

How about a little training for these wizards of smart.  Hand me the coins in the palm of my hand first and then the bills.  Even after all these years of getting change back the wrong way, I have developed an amazing grip strength in my left hand so I know I can hold onto most any coins... but - do I really need to prove it every time I go through a drive-thru?  That grip strength must have developed from all those years of reaching into the drive-thru window to grab those clowns by the throat.   I swear.

Jimmy the Negotiation Translator

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  Until recently, two of the most dreaded things in my life were:  1. Shopping and 2. Negotiating (while shopping).  But over the years I have learned to enjoy this a bit more... especially while in China.

On one of my first trips to China, a group of us decided to go "shopping" on Saturday.  It was something to do and a good way to pick up some souvenirs.  We had so much fun with the negotiations and the banter, that even though we had filled our suitcases and couldn't possible carry anything more, we went a second day, just for the entertainment value.  Seriously, I never thought that shopping could be so much fun.

We quickly learned that it was best to mention we wanted to see the "best quality" merchandise which led to a hidden compartment behind the front facade.  After a couple of these, we then discovered some "stores" had a second or even a third hidden compartment in series behind the other one with better and better quality.  While in each of these we heard the exaggerated quality attributes about all the product... like "real leather" and they tried to prove it by lighting a match to it.  (A fire marshal would freak about an open flame with all that plastic present.)

After hearing about as much as I could take about things being "real" leather, Jimmy had to comment, "yes... yes... this is the real 'extruded' leather I have been searching for."  And quickly the proprietor started to include that phrase in her pitch... "See this is good.  Real extruded leather.  How much you pay?"

Finally after a long playful negotiation, the proprietor said something and one of the guys in our group laughed and blurted, "BULLSHIT!"  She smiled and we finished our transaction.

On the way back to the store, the proprietor pulled me aside and asked, "What meaning of Bullshit?"

I decided to help her better understand the English vernacular.  "Sure, it's a common phrase in America that upon completion of a successful transaction, you smile, shake hands and say 'Bullshit' - we do it all the time."

My apologies to the next shopper.

Jimmy's First Science Lesson

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  This past week, the mother of one of my best friends since kindergarten passed away and I wanted to share one short story.

When Jimmy was a wee little lad, he got the chance to go play with Brian on his farm.  (I think Mike was with us... but he has not confirmed knowledge of the "incident."  This is a good theory on his part not to self incriminate).  For a town dweller, this was a unique experience with many adventurous opportunities and many more places to get into trouble.  Since I was only 6 years old, Mrs. Tweeten wanted to go over a few ground rules.  Among them was a caution about something called "an electric fence."  I had never heard of such a phenomenon, but I took her word for it.  (I was not the brightest kid as one can surmise from an earlier post: A Day of Infamy in Kindergarten).  She mentioned that Brian would point it out and that I should just not touch it or I might get hurt.  Since avoidance of any pain was a high priority, I took her word for it.

As with any couple of young boys, we made a beeline to the nearest electric fence.  Brian, the wise one, pointed it out to make sure I knew what was "hot" and what was not and issued a final warning that we shouldn't touch it... but that it was "OK" to pee on it.

Since the theory of Electrical Conductivity and Grounding was not within the realm of logical concepts understood by a first grader, I thought peeing on the electric fence made good sense and a good substitute for not being able to touch said wire.

I now know that my good friend Brian was going to intentionally miss the wire and watch Jimmy get his first lesson in physical science.  But just as I dropped my trousers, Mrs. Tweeten yelled from the porch, "Brian - don't you be teaching Jimmy that!"

Thank you Mrs. Tweeten.  I know you are still watching over your family.

Photo of the Three Amigos - 1st Grade
Brian, Jimmy and Mike

Jimmy Says Farewell - It's an End of an Era

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... but I will.  Yes, I know, it's an end of an era... a sad day... a farewell of sorts.  I know most of you were hoping that the blog finally bit the dust... but no - something even more somber for some, and a celebration for most in my household.  No.  It's not the end of the year that some are thinking... but on the same level, it is a moment of reflection of past glory and yet the anticipation of a solid future on which to build - a comfort beyond any measure for Jimmy.

Yes, you guessed it - my wife's nemesis is finally being tossed.  The glory days are over for the old sweatshirt.

(A fitting memorial is planned.  I may have to fold it into a triangle and send it to the VFW for proper disposal.  I'll miss you old friend).  

Some might ask... why?  You see the glory days are back.  My wife gave me the greatest gift - HALLELUJAH - a new sweatshirt to replace my compatriot.  She's the best.  Thanks hon.  I'll treasure it and keep it for as long as I had the first...

Yes I know, I can't wear it to bed...  OK no wearing it to church.  But I insist that on days I wear it, you can't make spaghetti or anything with red sauce.  







PS.  Right now I kinda feel bad about getting you those Pajama Jeans.

Jimmy's Black Friday Fiasco

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  Jimmy swore off participating in Black Friday sales years ago, but I must have forgotten and somehow my wife talked me into doing the Thanksgiving Day blitz in her stead.  She had to work and since sleeping was my only excuse... weak as it was, I was elected to go.

The task assigned to me was simple - get to The Home Depot before the doors opened at 5am, pick up an artificial Christmas tree, return home and go back to bed - simple enough.  My wife circled the item in the flyer and specifically pointed out the $49 pre-lit Christmas tree.  That was the intended target - simple enough - piece of cake - can a corn.

I strategized that since only men would probably go to The Home Depot and very few of them would ever wait in line in the middle of the night (especially for a Christmas tree), my chances would be pretty good if I just got there 5 to 10 minutes before opening.  Therefore I decided to "sleep in" until 4:30am, and still get a good place in line.

When I arrived at my pre-calculated time, I was somewhat surprised to see 100+ individuals in a long line stretching down the sidewalk.  For crying out loud... this is only The Home Depot store.  Who in their right mind would be standing in line to get tools and stuff?  Yes... women.  Apparently this artificial Christmas tree was a high demand item so this was going to be a bit tricky to maneuver around highly trained shoppers that they were.

At precisely 5am, the store opened and the orderly queue filed in as many shoppers dispersed through the store.  From behind 20-30 people I could see people making a mad dash picking up long boxes I could only assumed where my intended target - the $49 pre-lit Christmas trees.  But the crowd in front of me stopped and no one could move.  I continued to see the stack dwindle right before my eyes so I had to make a drastic decision.  The only other guy in the store, stood right in front blocking my path.  He was pushing a huge flat top carrier and he couldn't move from the mass of bodies starting to backup in the aisle.  I asked him if his wife also forced him to pick up a Christmas tree and he said no... he was headed in different direction and unfortunately could not get though... so I climbed over him and walked across his cart... all with the most brotherly love possible... after all this was Christmas.  Sorry bro.

I could not have waited any longer as I arrived just in time to proudly grab the last box and fend off the multitude of ladies I had just thrown to the side.  I had my trophy and it still displayed the $49 sign on it as proof of my superb hunting skills.  I walked up the counter and quickly paid.  Total time elapsed in the store - less than 5 minutes.

As I was walking back to my vehicle, it dawned on me... she said "pre-lit" and the other phrase I remembered from the night before... "don't get the pre-decorated one." I think the other part she said was, "LET ME REPEAT... DON'T GET THE PRE-DECORATED ONE."  Uh oh... 50/50 odds now.

Since it was still dark outside, I had to wait until I loaded the vehicle and then I turned on the lights.  At this moment, Jimmy had a choice:  Return the item or go home.  Since I didn't want to set an embarrassing world record for the earliest retuned item ever - 7 minutes after the official start - I decided to head home and insist that she said she wanted the "PRE-DECORATED."   Better luck next year hon.