Jimmy's Apology to Target Corporation

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.   Really, I should know better, but this is too good to pass up.  Jimmy “knows” an older couple and they were in Target the other day doing some shopping.  Out of no where, the elderly man sneezes so violently that his dentures fly out of his mouth and slide across the tile floor doing a slow rotational glide to a stop on the other side of the aisle.

The elderly lady sees this and she begins to laugh so hard that she pees her pants. 

If you see my mother-in-law, you didn’t hear this from Jimmy.

P.S. Target Corporation - My apologies to your staff.  I will will pay the sanitizing bill... it was worth it.

Jimmy’s Nemesis

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.   There comes a time in every project when the homeowner needs to step back and leave it to the professionals.  Sound advice.  Too bad Jimmy wasn’t listening.

Several months before the birth of my daughter, my wife decided it was time to convert the spare bedroom into a nursery.  As an uninformed stupe, Jimmy later realized this was called the “nesting syndrome” and most intelligent men know it’s time to tread carefully – apparently hormones have something to do with this.  However, first time dad… no one told me. 

While she was painting up a storm, Jimmy decided, rather than help paint, that now was the best time to run a telephone line, cable TV and Ethernet into the room.  I still don't know what I was thinking.  That would be mistake number 1… I should have helped.  My logic: One bad cut now - screw up a fresh paint job.  This was a simple plan… pull back the baseboard, drill a hole, fish a wire, cut the box… job done.  I can still help paint after this job is finished.

Unfortunately the drill kept digging deeper into a much larger board than I anticipated so a new plan was hatched… drill at a different angle thereby missing the board completely.  Mistake number 2 was about to happen.  Jimmy snagged the edge of the carpet with the drill bit.  It was only a millisecond before releasing the trigger, but here’s a little factoid for those that don’t know:  It’s amazing how fast a spade bit can wind up Berber carpet… just a little touch and it was like a sweater unraveling and the drill winding up in a nice little skein of yarn. 

Jimmy cursed. “$*%#, I think the crib is going in this spot.” 

My wife winced, “There’s no need to do that job.  Help me paint.”

“I will, but this will take just take a second.  I don’t think I can get it from here so I'll  go downstairs and drill up.”

“But you can’t.  That’s the dining room below and my good wallpaper which I spent a fortune having professionally hung.”

“Ah… don’t worry.  I’ll go through the closet and cut a hole in the sheetrock.  I can put my arm in the wall, drill up and I’m through that board... in and out... piece of cake... can of corn.”

“But what about the new hole?”

“I can patch that.  No one will ever see it.”  That would be mistake number 3 for those counting.

Everything was going smoothly, but attempt number three just wouldn’t come together since they must have triple-headered that damn wall as the bit kept going and going and never broke through. Since I didn't want to run to the hardware store for a longer bit (mistake number 4), it was time to try another option.

Since going up was useless, perhaps a different angle from above was better after all.  Maybe if I went back to the original spot, pulled the carpet back this time (Berber carpet lesson learned since I'm not that stupid) and skimmed the ceiling below, I might hit my target. 

“Honey… go downstairs and watch the ceiling in the dining room.  Yell at me if you start to see a drill bit poke through the ceiling.”  That would be mistake number 5.

“OK… that didn’t work.  Since I have a hole in the closet, I could try that angle up instead.  That might work better.”

Finally my wife put her foot down.  “If you go through that wall paper…”  She didn’t finish the sentence so I knew she wasn’t all that serious about the threat.

  

Even with that ominous word of caution, Jimmy measured and calculated… used all his math skill available… put an “x” in the closet at just the right spot and started to drill… until he broke through.

“Uh oh… I shouldn’t be able to see light…  $%&#.”  That would be mistake number 6.

To her credit, my wife didn’t say a thing.  She put on her coat, left the house and went to a movie by herself.  Jimmy spent the next three hours patching holes and wallpaper.

***

A few years later, Jimmy hired a professional to finish the task.  “When you do this room, might I suggest you try a different route since that wallpaper is kinda special.”

“Oh, don’t worry sir.  We have this new feature called “Wireless.”  That would be mistake number 7.

Final tally:  House 7 – Jimmy 0.

Jimmy’s Crappy Luck

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.   Since electrical work is not Jimmy’s specialty, he decided to try his luck with minor deck construction.  Slapping boards together is not all that tough.  In order for a deck to be stable (not fall down for the non engineers in the audience), it is best to ensure that the ledger board is properly secured to the house. 

The ledger board work is a pretty simple task.  All it takes is a small drill, a 3/8” bit, a lag bolt, and a ratchet.  This is about the simplest job in all of deck construction… what could go wrong? 

Everything was going smoothly (which should’ve been my first warning sign)… tap the hole, insert the lag, and ratchet it into place.  Move to the next spot, redo above procedure.  A monkey could do this job… while eating a banana… it’s that simple.  On about lag number four, the resistance on the ratchet became much higher than normal.  Jimmy applied more force using several straining repetitions as he called upon his inner ape like strength, (saying a few curse words under his breath about those damn knots in the wood probably helped the most) until the object finally relented and gave way to the gradual click, click, click of the final few torque down twists with minimal effort. 

Holes five through ten were uneventful like the first three. 

Upon completion, Jimmy decided that something didn’t seem right… why would nine lags be so easy and only one so difficult?  What was different about lag number four?  Since the basement was not completed, it was easy to remove the insulation and inspect the various lags protruding into each and every preselected location… exactly where it should be.  Fail one…

As I removed the insulation from lag location #4, I purveyed a 4” diameter PVC pipe sucked up against the outside wall.  The lag pierced the object a mere 2 inches below the main floor.  Crap… hit the sewer drain pipe.  Me should know better.

Jimmy’s Electrical Adventure

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.   Jimmy was reminded today while he was fighting an obvious direct short in an electrical circuit about some good common sense when it comes to dealing with electricity.  Luckily he had some valuable “real-life” experience to draw upon that occurred a few years ago while running an extra set of outlets in the basement.  Jimmy had the “brilliant” idea to finish all six outlets and then join them at an inconspicuous box in the utility room.  It’s all about the planning.

The plan was coming together very well until I realized that the only light in the utility room was on the same circuit as the hot input outlets where I had to connect– but this vital bit of information was not available until after all the outlets were installed.  The best and most sensible solution at that moment was to stop, get a portable light, and turn off the breaker.  At that moment, sensibility left the room and Jimmy had the “brilliant” (there’s that word again) idea.  I thought that it would be much quicker if I just wired them hot rather than go find a portable light and trudge all the way back to the panel to shut off the system.  What could go wrong?

Now I know that most of you are thinking – wow, what a stupid idea, but none of you were around to provide that type of insight. 

I had insulated handles on the long nose pliers.  I was standing on dry ground.  I didn’t plan on touching any bare wires for obvious reasons.  I had done this before.  This should work out just fine.  I grabbed the first wire with the pliers, had a hold of the outlet and then… BANG.  I’m standing in total darkness… not a sound of any kind in the house… total silence.  Apparently things didn’t go as planned or I was about to meet St. Peter.  I found my way out of the room and noticed that my pliers were missing a chunk of metal.  Actually a chunk of metal melted away leaving a gapping hole in the shape of a non-existent 14 gauge wire rendering the tool useless.  At that moment, I realized – wow, that was a stupid idea, and I kicked the breakers back on to inspect the rest of the damage… which was contained to one burn mark up the side of the wall. 

 

Jimmy reminds people not to try this with your home.

Note:  This is not a photo of the described event.  On a dumber note, this was the second attempt.

Jimmy Understands the Importance of Spelling

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.   This week, a high school classmate reached her dream and published her first novel.  In honor of her exquisite writing, I thought could share the other end of the spectrum.

A colleague of Jimmy reminded me that his own writing in high school never quite conveyed the message he intended.  He always had the best intentions and was (and still is today) a very thoughtful person nonetheless.  While in high school and dating the girl he would eventually marry, he thought he would surprise her with a fresh doughnut he picked up on the way to school and place it in her locker with a little love note.  This is where the thoughtful gesture went wildly astray. 

She opened her locker to a great surprise and read the note.  It said, “Good morning sweat heart.  This dognut is for you.”

She still married him.  She is a teacher today and reminds all her students about the importance of proper spelling.  He is an engineer.  I guess we are all predestined to certain careers. 

Congratulations Colleen on your novel… Jimmy took the easy way out and pursued engineering.

For more info on Colleen's new novel see:  http://www.fridayjonespublishing.com/Friday_Jones_Publishing/Glass_Halo.html

Jimmy – A Witness to the Best Non-Productive Golf Shot of All-Time

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.  Since it’s a golf weekend for me, I figured it was time for a golf story.  One can argue the merits of what could be considered non-productive in golf, but Jimmy witnessed the strangest shot of all time that was essentially a wasted swing.

It all started innocently enough on a par 3.  The lady in our foursome had parked her golf car on the path next to the green and proceeded to walk in a straight line from the car, across the green.  She surveyed the landing spot next to the flag and then proceeded on that same line directly into the trap that had eaten her tee shot.  She setup nicely and had a nice follow through, but she caught it too cleanly.

I knew the shot was a bit strong as it sailed over the lip of the trap, so I started yelling, “Hit the flag!  Hit the flag!” hoping it would snag of piece of the cloth and drop by the hole.  However, the ball whistled past the flag – just missing it by inches.  Then desperately hoping to stop the ball before it headed over the green and into the woods, I again yelled, “Hit the car!  Hit the car!”

This time the ball obeyed and on the fly, hit the front tire and immediately reversed course back toward the green.  While the ball was still in the air, it was again looking a bit too strong so I yelled, “Hit the flag!  Hit the flag!”  Again it missed the flag by a mere inch or two, bounced twice on the green and rolled back into the trap.  And yes - it rolled directly into the divot where it started. 

The ball traveled over 40 yards total and had two chances to drop by the hole for an easy putt, but ended in the exact same place it started.  That had to be the best non-productive golf shot that Jimmy has ever witnessed.

Jimmy’s Perplexing Sign

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.  I saw this sign in Belfast.  Not sure what it means, but I’m sure Jimmy’s not supposed to do it at any time.