Jimmy Meets the TSA

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  If you haven't noticed, Jimmy has been laying low after some recent travel.  Some might suspect it's a government imposed super secret restriction.  It all started when I was on a recent trip through Cleveland and had a small run-in with the TSA(ut) - Transportation Security Administration (union thugs) that is.

Jimmy was running late, yet privilege has it perks... or so I thought.  My Sky Priority allowed me to take the express lane right to the front (all to the aggravation of the less fortunates stiffs that were being treated more like cattle waiting to get branded in the narrow lane stalls).  Immediately the TSA agent motioned me over to review my documents.  So far so good... they even opened up a new line to run me through the metal detectors and I was going to make it through in world record time.  Well, just as I pulled my laptop out of its bag, another man jumped right in front of me and proceeded to do the drill - the drill I had just completed with liquids, belts, shoes, hats, coats, laptops, billfolds, keys, coins, etc.  I could have walked around him, but I had my four separate plastic bins to carry around him and only two hands, therefore I concluded that I had gained enough valuable time, I could spare a bit... be generous - let the other man go first.

After a short delay, he went through the metal detector successfully and as Jimmy was starting to walk through the same machine, they roped it off and motioned me to go through the new fangled full body scanner.  Now I have done that drill several times and never knew what all the fuss was about... until now.

I barely got settled with my feet on the yellow fake footprints and my hands above my head like I just held up the 5&Dime when the TSA(ut) lady turned it on.  She couldn't decide whether to let me out or rerun the scan, but decided it was "OK," as she stated.  However the rather large looking goon at the end of the line seemed to disagree and they started haggling over the results of the scan.  She said, it was OK, but he wanted to implement DEFCON 4, the next level of protocol.

The intimidating figure blocked my path and asked me to wait while he called over his supervisor, an equally sized LG (large goon) who then asked me to step over to his "office."  As the first agent blocked the door (assuming I was going to make a break for it), the supervisor explained, "This is how it's going to work," and he snapped the latex gloves in the exact manner that my proctologist does.

"I'm going to use my open hands everywhere, all the way up both your legs - to the very top.  I will reach completely inside your trousers - all the way around and when I check your "sensitive" area, I will use the back of my hands across your front and across your buttocks.  Any questions before I start?"

At this point, I started to get worried.  "What exactly IS the problem officer?"

The LG supervisor then stated in vague technical terms, "We have an anomaly in your groin that we need to check."

I quickly replied, "Well I'm sure it's a very LARGE anomaly you found."

Sure enough, he checked just like he stated and then said he had to run the gloves through the chemical analyzer looking for bomb residue.  Afterwards, he came back and said all was fine but he needed my boarding pass to write down my name and flight I was taking.

I handed him my info, along with my HMO card and a co-pay and asked him if I was good for another ten years.

Gotta love the government's new streamlined efficiency - Obama Care at it's finest.  He did say that I should get that hemorrhoid checked out.



  

Jimmy's Fantasy - Kiss

Me Knows Better Than to Say This… but I will.   Jimmy does crazy things while driving.  I'll give an example:

I've got my iPod blaring a song in the car.  The song just happened to be Prince - Kiss.  No sooner than we get to one part in the song... you can probably guess, but I am stopped at a traffic light and I'm singing away.  Luckily the car windows are up.

Just as I turned to check the traffic, I'm still singing and I look directly at another man in the car next to me as I clearly and enthusiastically enunciate the words, "I want to be your fantasy."

He smiled... I turned away and the light changed.

Fortunately I did not wait to see if he returned the next line, "Baby... U can be mine."

My Photo Book Jul 31 2011

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Jimmy Sees the Joplin Miracle

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... but I will.  Shortly after the tornado that ravaged Joplin hit, Jimmy drove through the town to see the damage for himself.  My car load of four was pretty somber as we came across a wide open spot in the middle of town that was a completely annihilated.


The swath had to be over a mile wide and stretched for what appeared to be another three more.  Nothing was left standing except for a few brick homes, some large trees (no bark with only the largest branches left) and the hospital.

It's hard to say the hospital at the top of the hill was left standing because it looked like a bomb had gone off next to it with all the windows blown out.  Entire blocks all around the hospital were completely leveled.  How anybody survived is a miracle.

The next day, we drove back by the city and stopped for dinner just north along the interstate.  We had heard of some of the strange sights where blades of grass were driven into tires and I am sure everyone has seen pictures of the splintered 2x4 which was impaled through a blacktop curb... but the waitress provided a few personal touches.

She said it was hard to talk about it since she lived in Joplin and knew so many people that were hit.  But luckily, that day she had been working north of town when the tornado struck.  She said, "You can't imagine the number of people that I've talked to and others I've heard from that all said, 'the only part of the house that was left standing was where I happened to be.'"

Of the 8000 homes that were demolished that day, only 160 lives were lost.  And when I say demolished... literally there was nothing left.  That was a miracle in itself that more people did not perish.

However, the waitress wanted to relay another story she had heard floating around town about a mother and her young daughter that were trapped inside their home.  After the tornado passed, they crawled out of the fallen structure and the mother could only see the total devastation for blocks around.  Then she looked at her daughter who could only say, "Wasn't that beautiful mommy?"

What?  The mother again looking at the demolished rubble for as far as she could see wondering what her daughter found so beautiful about the disaster other than the fact that they were both still alive.

The little girl finished by saying what she had witnessed, "When the tornado went through, wasn't that beautiful watching all the angels circling around us - protecting us?"

Jimmy Makes Headlines... Kind Of.

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  The day after the 1991 lightning strike, Jimmy had a stiff neck.  I can only assume it happened from snapping my neck around so fast after the bolt struck the ground behind me.  So I spent the next day at the chiropractor's office getting fit with a neck brace... but I still made it to the Open.

The neck brace must have looked odd as my wife avoided walking with me since apparently it looked a bit dorky with a huge white brace keeping my head held upright.  But the added fashion accessory of a large pair of binoculars hanging around my neck made it look even dorkier.  (Might I add that the weight of the binoculars probably wasn't doing my neck any favors either).

The weather was beautiful, but I didn't want to be in the sun that much to avoid having a funny looking tan around my face where the brace blocked all access of the sun's rays... so I planted my self under a nice shade tree by the 17th green to watch the professionals hit into the par 3.  While my wife and our friends bask in the sun along the hill, I stayed cool under the tree.  I must have looked like a mentally challenged individual that everyone was shunning because I looked so odd.  No friends wanted to hang with me... but it kept the crowd down and gave me extra room.

A few moments later I felt a dampness on my shoulder.  Since I couldn't turn my head to check, I lifted my left hand to check the area and got confirmation.  I yelled over to my wife, "Hey hon... I think a bird just shit on my shoulder.  Can you help me?"

She looked and started laughing so hard, I thought she was going to roll down the hill and into the water.  Since she offered no help, I had to find a leaf and some grass and wipe it off by myself... all blind to the outcome since I had to do it all by feel.  Apparently no one wanted to help the invalid. 

Of note... the next day, I picked up the paper and they had published a spectaular shot of Payne Stewart hitting into one of the par 5's.  I enlarged one area of the photo below.  See the two guys laying in the rough under the ropes next to the cameraman's left shoulder?  Those two were in our group and I am kneeling on the ground behind them.  I think my wife was so embarassed by my looks that I had to abandon the neck brace to join the crowd with her and I was using the brace to sheild my eyes from the sun. 

Karma... it's a funny thing.

Jimmy Remembers the Lightning at the 1991 US Open at Hazeltine

Me Knows Better Than to Say This... But I will.  The month of June will mark the 20th Anniversary of the 1991 US Open held at Hazeltine National Golf Club.  I thought I would commemorate this posting (and several to follow) with a look back at several of the events from Jimmy's perspective.  However the first will be a bit more reserved since several spectators were struck by lightning and one was unfortunately killed at this tragic event.

All the big names were there - Nicklaus, Irwin, Faldo, Kite, Strange, Couples, Fuzzy, a promising youngster named Phil Mickelson, the eventual winner Payne Stewart and of course... Lee Trevino.  For those that don't know, Trevino was struck by lightning earlier in his career and lived to tell about it.

Kite

Nicklaus

On Thursday, the first official day of the tournament, Jimmy, Jimmy's wife and another couple decided to hop around the course picking various famous groups to watch.  At hole 15, Lee Trevino came through and we decided to follow him in.  We should have known that Trevino and lightning don't mix, but we didn't think much of it.  It had been a perfect day, but as we followed Trevino, the sky was becoming dark and a storm was brewing to the west.

Irwin

Mickelson

Several around us noticed a lightning bolt in the distance.  The strike did not go unnoticed by Trevino as he put his hands up questioning the tournament officials wondering if they were going to suspend play.  But no one moved (I don't think they knew what to do) and play continued even though an obviously frustrated Trevino was a bit concerned.  He had missed the green with his approach shot into 15 and was standing in the long grass trying to make a delicate chip onto the green and flubbed his shot.  Again, the flummoxed Trevino showed his displeasure, part at frustration for his poor chip, but he also seemed to be motioning that this was in response to the severe weather coming toward the course.  He appeared to be unhappy that no one had the same concern for the ominous weather approaching.  Again no one took control and he finished the hole.

By this time, I had managed to get a bit closer to Trevino and heard him say while he was exiting the green, "Jumbo... We aren't going any further.  Follow me.  I'm heading to the car." And Jumbo followed him around the barrier ropes over toward the cars located next to the steps leading down to the 16th hole.  (Jumbo was his playing partner, Jumbo Ozaki).  Unknown to me, Tournament officials had placed two sponsor cars at every hole (I thought mainly for display), but they also served as the spot for the players to take refuge during a rainstorm.  Contrary to published reports where Trevino defended the tournament officials by saying they suspended play first, in my opinion he made the call himself and was not going to go any further.  I have to commend Mr. Trevino for deciding to seek shelter rather than wait for someone to tell him, but given his history, I can completely understand his motives to stay safe.

About this time, Herman (Trevino's caddie), got separated since he thought they were continuing the round and I could see him headed my way.  I held the spectator ropes up for him to go under to follow Trevino to the car.  I remember him saying - half thanking me - half joking around, "Uh oh... gotta go where the boss wants me to go."  I think he had been heading to the next tee and had not realized that Trevino had walked off the course.

Within moments, we heard the warning sirens to seek shelter.  So we started to run toward the clubhouse... along with 20,000 other spectators.  The wind became so severe that every umbrella I saw became inverted and strewn along the way.  Just as we were reaching the edge of the 11th fairway, very heavy rain started pelting down and we tried to take shelter at the crest of the hill under a Dove Bar stand with its miniature stainless steel umbrella doing nothing to stop the sideways rain (at the time, I wasn't thinking about lightning, but rather seeking shelter out of the rain, but we had found an obvious lightning rod).

I had my back to the bottom of the hill and then I heard a crisp thunder clap behind me.  I knew it was close and I yelled to everyone around, "Get down!" and we planted our faces in the wet cedar mulch.  It wasn't but a few seconds later that I heard some one yelling, "Medic! Medic!" and I assumed someone in the crowd was having a flashback to Vietnam.  It wasn't until I turned around to see 6 people laying on the ground at the bottom of the hill and I realized that lightning had struck.

Later we took a closer look at the tree that was struck.  The willow was probably the smallest tree around the 11th tee box and it was at the very bottom of the hill.  It made no sense.  There were taller trees around (which was fortunate since more people were gathered there) or it could have hit at the top of the hill were we were standing next to a metallic rod planted in the ground.

All I know is that I have a healthy respect for lighting to this day.

Jimmy the French Fugitive

Me Knows Better That to Say This... But I will.  Jimmy is hoping the statute of limitations is over, or the French authorities do not have the means to locate him (... or someone that may look like him that is).  About a year and a half ago, I rented a Skoda SUV, but a buddy wanted the opportunity to drive on the French Autobahn system.  Unfortunately the French don't have an Autobahn... that is in Germany.  


The "Interstate" (for lack of a better term since it definitely wasn't an unlimited Autobahn system) was fairly crowded on the northbound lane leaving Paris and the pack driving kept everyone pretty much in check.  The Skoda couldn't handle much but at the crest of a hill, my buddy saw no one in the left lane and he decided to see what the little machine could do with the gravity assist.  


I wasn't paying much attention in the back of the SUV, but I could tell that there was a definite change in velocity and as we reached the bottom of the hill, an unexpected flash of lightening lit up the interior of the SUV.  Immediately my buddy shouted a profanity and said, "They got me!"  Automatic camera speeding sensors took a quick picture of my buddy and he looked down to check the speed.  He did a quick conversion in his head back to mph and thought it should be OK.  


When we arrived at our destination, he asked about the speed trap near by and what the fine might be.  They did a quick check and discovered that if he was around 30-40 km/h over the speed limit, the fine would be 135 Euros - about $200 bucks.  Everyone laughed at his misfortune until he said, "Well... I'm not sure if the speed limit right there was 110 km/h (68 mph) or 130 km/h (80 mph)... but, I'm pretty sure I was doing 180 km/h (112 mph) when they took my picture."  


The room went silent and our French hosts stopped laughing.  "Monsieur... no one goes that fast in France.  This is not Germany.  We take speeding very seriously here.  The fine for anything 50 km/h over the speed limit is 1500 Euros ($2100).  


My buddy was taking it pretty hard thinking about the $2000 bill he would get when he arrived home and promised himself that he needed to watch his speed for the remainder of the trip.  On the way back to Paris, I sat in the back waiting for him to inch above the speed limit.  Just when he got the Skoda back above 130 km/h, I popped the flash from my digital camera and the whole interior lit up -  just like the speed trap.  


Immediately my buddy shouted the same expletive teamed with, "I can't believe it!"  Everyone in the SUV started laughing... and they laughed even harder when I showed them the camera... everyone except my buddy.  "Jimmy... some things just aren't that funny."  However the guy sitting in the front passenger seat next to him said, "Oh no... but that one was."




Post script:
I never received a bill or ticket from the car rental agency which was how our hosts said the ticket would arrive... It would be sent to me since I rented the vehicle (and not my buddy).  He was good for it, however, since the rental was in my name, I stood the biggest risk of re-entry back into France the next time I tried to clear customs.  To be safe, I worked out an arrangement with my local colleagues to check on me once I got through customs... If I didn't make it, I wanted someone who could speak French to come bail me out of jail.  To date... so far so good.  I just hope the statute of limitations runs out pretty soon.